Her Shadow...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*** In Memory ***
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

* Her Shadow In The Sun *




It was a few years before She died.

I was visiting overseas and stayed at her place.

She gave me her bedroom and her bed for my privacy and comfort.
She slept in the loungeroom settee throughout my stay.

It was early Summer.
The Sun was just rising with a piercing brilliance in the horizon.
The light, braking through the semi sheer curtain waving silently
in the gentle morning breeze, woke me up.

I looked at the clock on the bedside table surrounded by our family photos.
It was too early to get up, so i remained resting quietly for a while.

There was a slight movement on the verandah outside the bedroom.

When i looked up i saw her shadow on the waving curtain.
She was watering her lusciously green plants.

My first impulse was to get up and go and say good morning
but for some strange reason something made me hold back
and stay and watch her quietly.

Between the Sun and Her Shadow, cast by the Sun on the curtain
was My Mother.

In her Shadow she resembled very much my grandmother
and in that shadow she was now both.

In her Shadow i saw Her in a way i had never seen her before...

And Never before had i known so consciously
how painfully much i Loved her





And Now, how painfully much i miss her...

Orion

your eyes...

Your Eyes

Your Eyes Sacred Shrines



For Ever Etched In my Soul

Alter Ego

without sonia...

5 Jan 04

"The world is now without Sonia..."



John Sonar

In the Beginning...

In the Beginning

In the Beginning they were

At the End They will Be

Always In My Small Universe



And Forever

Orion

eternity...

Aug 05

Eternity Lost or Found?



While my parents were alive, life had a sense of eternity.

With their passing

My own mortality has been staring me in the face ever since.

Within mortality a new sense of eternity has been found.


Orion

world of dreams...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*** Fav Quotes ***
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sep 04

World of Dreams...

In a world of Dreams and Fantasies

We Live our Lives



Dreamwalkers - Hypnotised Travelers

Between a Slipping Away Past

And an Unknown Imaginary Future

Rarely the Clock of Awareness

stops for more than a few furtive seconds

On the Elusive Now...

Alter Ego

your life stolen...

Your Life Stolen

Do you wrestle with dreams?
Do you contend with shadows?
Do you move in a kind of sleep?

Time has slipped away
Your life is stolen

You tarried with trifles
Victim of your folly.



( Frank Herbert -Dune trilogy )

all there is...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*** Reflections ***
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Nov 07

All there is...

Reflecting back on the way i lived the majority of my life
it surprised me to discover
how much time and how much of myself
i invested due to misguided attitudes
in nurturing and feeding negative thoughts and feelings
and reinforcing them with the repetition of their patterns.

I used to believe i was a prisoner of prevailing circumstances
which prevented me from living the happy life
i had always believed in and aspired to.

Neither the passing over of both my parents
nor the "ticking" of my own life's clock
helped to shake me out of this,
until a sudden involuntary realisation
which struck me like lightning right through to the core

"This is it!... this is All there is, there is nothing else!..."

Ironically, the view of the End and of the Nothing
instead of bringing any expected feelings of doom
it opened up the Door to a New Beginning.

Suddenly the "chains" broke and fell off
Setting me Free as never before.


I still have the bruises they have caused me over the years
and still have to learn to walk without their weight
and although i still don't know which direction i should take next
there is an important thing i Do know
and that is



that i am free to choose and forge my own path.

Orion

humility...

Dec 07

Humility

At this point of my life i feel grateful that i am alive.

It was something that not only
had always been taken for granted
but more seen as a divine right.

To come to actually feel oneself
as inconsequential and of no importance
ironically brings a sense of inner calmness
serenity and utter humility.




Orion

meaningful...

28 Dec 07

Search for a Meaningful purpose



I have wasted many years searching and wondering
about the meaning of Life and the Purpose of my Own.

The purpose of Life
is very likely ...Life and its own concealed purpose!

Too vast an issue
No need to know either its meaning or purpose
in order to pursue it as whether we do know it or not
we are Part of it at any given time.

Centuries have gone by and millions of people and lives
'significant' or otherwise have come and gone.

Who really knows what the meaning of Life is
who really knows what the purpose of each individual life is.

Searching always deeper for a more meaningful purpose
may likely mean missing the meaning of what is already there.

Orion

choice...

Dec 07

A deliberate choice



In every event in my life
I always endeavour to Be as well as Act, good towards others.

There are some rather rare occasions though
when being good makes me feel bad
or being bad makes me feel good.

Yet, there is a great sense of dignity and nobility
in deliberately choosing to be good
when there is justification or even provocation to be bad.


Orion

real moments...

Nov 07

A Few Real Moments

More frequently than i would like to admit
either instantly, or after some brief superficial encounter
i find myself disliking someone without any valid reason.

Whenever this happens
i make a deliberate effort if it is possible
to approach that person find out their name
and start a friendly conversation.

A repeat effort of this works wonders on both sides.

I get to look into their eyes, observe their mannerisms
and listen to their words or their stories.

Often through this i detect shyness, concealed sadness or pain
low self esteem or other positive or negative traits
that bring to the fore a more real picture
of a person with depth, flesh and blood, heart and mind,
aspects which were not immediately perceived
during a first, hasty 'surface' based negative impression.

Every one has a story to tell
whether a happy one that brings a spontaneous smile
on their face and a sparkle in their eye
or a sad one of loss or pain
that makes them look real for just a few moments
and helps immensely to see them under a different light
and more tolerant and compassionate way than before.

I do not necessarily look to socialise or build a relationship.
I just try to be fair and to correct my initial negative judgment
that would be of no good either to me or to the other person
and to cultivate better feelings for both
in a world of a passing moment.




Alter Ego

introspective...

April 08

Introspective



Some times I feel rather lost when trying to understand
the different aspects of life
the world and all that occurs in it.

Without firm Belief or Faith, even if a false one
it is like traveling in unchartered territories without signposts.

Yet it is often in lost circumstances
that some of the greatest discoveries have been made.

Alter Ego

interpretation...

16 April 08

A matter of interpretation

In a rather strange and uncertain mood this morning
this gem caught my eye:

''In this world there is always danger for those
who are afraid of it.''


(George Bernard Shaw)

This I would say, unfortunately, describes me
most accurately...

Great big phrases -such as this- always catch our attention
and imagination because they can momentarily inspire
yet they often carry a rather narrow one sided aspect
or message referring to a particular concept.


Lots of those who ''are not afraid'' (of it ) often find themselves
into danger and trouble, not always totally unexpected,
such as in stormy seas in capsized boats,
lost and stranded in forests, carried out of avalanches,
rescued from dangerous climbing by helicopters etc
but the fools of this kind are always seen as brave and heroic
while the ones that consider carefully the possibilities
of danger beforehand and are rather cautious
are thought more of as being weak, wimps, fearful etc.

If there was any great perspective that could balance all sides
and all possibilities perhaps there would be No words at all
just the Silent Wisdom of Knowing.

* No intention to diminish the author's
very perceptive and inspiring words
much need in our every day lives ...*

Alter Ego

shady moments...

Nov 07

Shady Moments



I was a coward three times in my life
I was dishonest once and
revengeful twice

No good feeling ever resulted out of these not even then

The price heavy inside my own mind ever since

Remorse, shamefulness and eternal remembering
even though no one will ever know.

May the forgiveness and compassion
I so easily bestow upon others
be also extended onto myself
for my youthful folly
so that I heal and forget of a lifelong suffering.

Alter Ego

my daughters...

26 Dec 07

My Daughters



They are not any "achievement" of mine.
They are the greatest gift life has bestowed upon
and trusted with me.

I have often fallen short of them in many fronts
and that's what makes them even more special
and myself even more proud of them and of what they are.

I have often been tormented about the idea of keeping balance
in loving them equally and the same
but how can one possibly measure 'equal' loving
let alone 'the same'?

I can only say one thing with certainty

I love them each in a unique way

I love them with a depth that knows no boundaries.
A depth that transcends measurable dimensions
and have a respect for them
that no many others can measure up to.

Alter Ego

big thrill...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*** Memories ***
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jan 08

A little Big thrill

I remember the irresistible temptation and thrill
of catching a ladybird and holding it in my hand
for the very first time, as a little child.



Then watching it with utter fascination and startled surprise
suddenly unfold its tiny wings and fly away!

Orion

as a child...

Jan 05

A child's perspective



Adults...

I remember their faces, their eyes, their words
their expressions.
I could see how they were projecting parts of themselves
and their own expectations on me
even though i knew nothing of psychology
or psychological projections at the time.

I remember at times my eagerness to please
and other times some confused feelings of utter unease
when a projection was rejected outright from within
and the fear or threat of disappointment,
rejection or abandonment
if i did not comply and 'play the part'.

I remember the translucent 'liquidity' of a still unadulterated self
and the often 'ugly feeling' resembling a packed ' bag of vomit'
that followed each time submitting in fear or confusion
even when 'playing the part' brought praise
for a self ...that i was not or wanted to be.

I remember the sadness, the 'gnawing'
and an overwhelming feeling of 'sickness'
spreading and steadily overtaking my soul.

I remember the brief interchange of real and superimposed self
until a total underlying sadness finally took over
like the shadows of darkens
spreading over the fields in the night.

I remember the tears and the pain for some unidentified 'loss'.

The loss of myself - the loss of 'the real Me'.

********
There is a time in the young child's life
when all the past humiliations, and deprivations
accumulate into an inchoate realization:

"There is no hope of being loved for what I am"

Arthur Janov "The Primal Scream"

Orion

My Castle...

Feb 08

My Castle


( Photo by Billy Delaney age 11, WA )

Imposing like an old formidable castle, in my young eyes
was our childhood home until the age of 13 .

Full of dragons, magic forests, princes and princesses,
galloping horses, magic fairies and many other magical
and unexplained experiences,some belonging in the realm
of imagination, fantasy and play and some touching levels
of metaphysical experiences.

It was indeed a very old 'castle' but it had a precious
little verandah with an impressively panoramic view
overlooking the entire City below, the Port and the
Open Sea beyond.

It was my favourite spot
and where i used to spend a lot of lonely time.
Lonely by choice.

That's how i liked it.

While all the other neighbourhood kids were playing outside
i preferred to sit there in solitude
and look at the sea in the distance and imagine it closer
so close that i could hear the waves...

It was there
where i experienced an exhilarating feeling of freedom.
There where i could be with my own thoughts
There where i could observe the world of the adults
and their relationships with astounding clarity for my age.

All so small and petty...
All enclosed within a very restricted circumference
All so dense - so unchangeable - all so just 'down there'
while i was sure there was a greater world
of unlimited possibilities vast like the sky
with its millions of sparkly stars i could see at night
and the lands beyond the open sea.

It was there where i explored my world and its own realities
intertwined with childhood fantasies.

It was there where i saw that one day i would be living
in a far away country far-far over the other side of the sea
unbelievable in all counts for many years later
yet becoming a reality after many unexpected turns of events.

It was there where most of my night time dreams took place

And there where i had a rather extraordinary
and most fascinating recurring experience:

There was no protective railing on the verandah
just a low brick wall.

I was not allowed to go too close to the edge
because it was dangerously low, old and very fragile
in many parts, ready to crumble at the slightest push.

For safety, most of the time, there were no chairs
unless there were adults present
and often i had to sit on some old cushions
on the cement floor.

Sitting that low resulted in the wall blocking most of the view
thus making other more trivial or strange things
attract my attention such as...looking at my very thin arms
and very long skinny legs!...

Looking at them i often felt some distinct separation from them
and from the rest of my body -as if I were 'inside it'
rather than 'being' it.

I felt like i was a very-very old man, inside a child's body.
I felt like i was about 80 years old ...or 100 ...
or 100 and another 100 or many hundred more
almost simultaneously...
and trying to work out the concept of the 100s
and their relationship while i had no conception at that age
of the number itself let alone its relationship in years
-years i had not yet lived ...
and have not lived yet - not even now.

I could feel myself so
and somewhat bewildered that an 'old' person like 'me'
was inside a little child's body ...
with funny skinny arms and legs...
and used to chuckle at the mystery
and the secret that no one else was supposed to know.

I could feel the sense of "myself " so separate from my body
and i could 'see' some blurred visions of things
strangely familiar, things i somehow felt I knew,
that were mysteriously inside my head, things that
neither any other children nor adults seemed to know.

Memories... memories of so many things ...
things that i had perhaps either lived before
or had not lived yet...

This sense has never really left me entirely.

Orion

my mother...

Feb 08

My Mother



I liked that she was always there

I liked that i was not afraid of her

I liked to see her sitting down
sometimes her face buried in a magazine
but i did not mind it
because she looked less sad when sitting down.

I liked to hear her talk when we had visitors
maybe i was thirsty for her voice
or the expressions on her face
or signs of her intellect
anything that animated her and took away her sadness.

I hated it when she did housework
she hated it too and looked distressed, distant and unhappy.
She often used to sing during those times
which was a sign that she was unhappy
and it meant 'do not interrupt'.

I always believed she did not want to be there
and did not want me there either.

I was part of her distress.

Occasionally i was surprised by a look in her eyes
that resembled 'care' for me ...or was it love?

I never felt she loved me
there were never any happy 'together' moments
during my early childhood ...None.

Yet, there was never a time that she was not there for me
or a time that i was not part of her life.
Always there when i needed her,
always supported me in any way she could,
morally, materially or by just being there,
right to the end of her days.

It took me well over three decades
before i could see it all in the right perspective.




She will always be the Moonlight in my dark nights...


Alter Ego

my father..

Feb 08

My Father

Unlike my mother who remained a mystery as a real person
throughout almost my entire life and affected me in deep
but rather unconscious ways, my father appeared more or less
like an open book to me.

Equally, the way i was affected by him
seemed more straightforward, open and most of the time
conscious and voluntary on my part
...or so i believed until more recent years.

He was a solid-rock steady character with many confusing
contradictions such as slow steady patience but with
an underlying permanent tension and nervous impatience
-often in a mode of hurry,hurry,hurry without good reason-
or admirable calmness and measured thoughtful expression
interrupted by sudden unexpected volcanic eruptions.

He easily - readily embraced everything and anything new
at any level -yet at other times stubbornly remained fixed
within his own formed ideas, impressions and convictions
and generally was not easily moved
other than "in his own good time".

He set the law and he was the law
both in our family or wherever he was present
and would follow or associate with no one
unless they gained his considerable
yet rare and very fragile, respect.

He loved and appreciated life and all living things
from animals to birds, to plants and all
and from him I have inherited that quality
enhanced by my mother's quiet
yet endless compassion towards all animals
who made our home theirs at different times.

His ready willingness, contagious enthusiasm
and surprisingly nurturing side when it came to them
despite any lack of space or financial limitations
enriched our childhood and furnished both
my brother and myself with many funny, unforgettable
stories to remember and to share and laugh.

I loved him dearly and feared him as much
even though he never laid hands on me
- not as long as i can remember, except once,
when so young that i cannot remember it ever happening-
but this, it seems was enough...

He always talked to me.
He talked to me as an adult to adult
something i liked, appreciated and enjoyed
and made me feel proud both of him and his way towards me
and of myself that i was able to earn such attention
from an early age.

I always found it easy to talk to him about anything
either of interest or concern.
He was open, sincere and patient and there were never
any taboo or "do not step over the line" subjects
especially when in need of advise or explanation.

He encouraged me to always examine and question everything
in any field and any subject -except for his authority.
That was unthinkable to me back then and for many years
and rather like a secret law or understanding between us
which was never expressed in words from either side.

I admired him and everything about him, from his beliefs
to his likes and principles -and more than anyone else
or any other chosen or imposed authority in my life,
and for many years he remained on a pedestal in my eyes.

I still remember when his hand often held mine
even in later years.
It felt strong, steady and reassuring
yet soft, relaxed and soothing
with a warmth that transcended its physical temperature
and a feel that often made me think
it possessed healing qualities.



He was like the Sun in my life...

Alter Ego

terrible moment...

Nov 05

A Terrible Moment



I had spent the weekend with my grandparents.

I was about 5-6 years old.

Upon return i climbed up the stairs two-at-a-time
run and passed my Mother sitting in her chair
and threw myself straight into my Father's arms.

After the excitement of the first few seconds
as i turned my head over i noticed my Mother
sitting quietly in her chair, looking at me
straight through my eyes, and into my soul.

She looked rather sad and somewhat puzzled.

For a few startled seconds i thought i heard
her thoughts loud and clear in my head
or possibly just read them
in the expression of her face:

"So, am I invisible?
Don't I exist?
Don't I mean anything to you?"

She said Nothing- not a word
and for my life i cannot remember anything
that followed after that very hot moment
absolutely nothing at all.

I remember an uncomfortable confused feeling
a skip of a beat of my heart and a sudden rush of heat
spreading on my face and neck
which made me think i had blushed.
Embarrassed, would have been the word.

No other thought no other memory.

Not until a few years later
when a tremendously regretful thought
suddenly sprang up from that buried past
and tormented me throughout life:

"that being so young and so shocked and embarrassed
at the time and possibly believing she was now
very angry with me, instead of changing the event
and soothing her with a cuddle, i probably froze,
chose denial of any hurt felt or done on either side
and did not proceed to go anywhere near her
.....as if she really did not exist
and as if i really had not noticed anything
that had just happened between us"

and that's why there was absolutely no trace
of memory of anything that followed next.

Since then i have relived that incident in my head
hundreds of times trying to dissect every aspect of it
in order to discover and understand
what exactly happened back then and why.

There were many unfortunate assumptions on both sides
which could have never been talked at the time
due to her quiet non-confrontational nature
and the understandably impressionistic aspect
of my so very young age.

* I thought she did not love me
and she did not want me there

* She thought i loved my father more than i loved her
or perhaps that i did not love her at all
- she never said but i could tell.

Neither She nor I, knew at the time,
that i did not miss her whenever i was away
because, unlike my father,
she was an integral internal part of myself
which was always with me wherever i went.

Unfortunately, both wisdom and insight
in regards to that incident came after her passing
and the opportunity of discussing it
was lost for ever.



Alter Ego

my brother...

Feb 08

My Brother and I

When still at primary school, we had been given a very small,
toy like transistor radio, the size of a current time mobile phone
which we used to share at bed times.

Our mother used to send us to bed very early
before our father's arrival from work
which made it hard to sleep especially during summer time
when we could hear all the other neighbourhood kids
still roaming about, playing merrily till late into the starry night.

My father had decreed:
''we were not allowed to listen to the Sunday Radio Theater''
unless he had read a review prior and had judged it
suitable for our ages.

We were both good kids basically
but temptation often proved much stronger than our best wills
and we ended up frequently disobeying secretly.
Our beds were placed in an L shape in the shared bedroom
with the head sides touching
so it was easy to put the little radio as close as possible
to an equal middle so that both would be able to listen to it
at a very low volume especially when it was obvious
by the content that it would be forbidden.

One of those disobedient nights
we both landed on a very scary play.
So scary that we were frozen and scarcely breathing
and both wishing the radio turned off
but neither dared make the slightest move despite the fact
that it was sitting only a couple of inches away from each.

It was about some crime that someone had committed
and a chorus of several male and female voices
representing the echoing of the offender's conscience
with a haunting, ghost like quality
repeating initially softly, like a whisper
but increasingly louder with each repetition:


"" You have Sold Your Soul to the Devil!"


"" You have Sold Your Soul to the Devil!""


"" You have Sold Your Soul to the Devil!""


Then my brother, much younger as he was, asked with trembling voice:

. . . DO You . . . want . . . the radio ? . . .

I considered the offer carefully for a few seconds in the dark
but if I said yes, that would mean that I would have to ...move
in order to get it... which of course... I did not dare to ...
so I replied with equally trembling voice:



. . . No! . . .

A good lesson learned but only temporarily...

Alter Ego
......

Another disobedient night, another play.

This one was not as scary, but had a very lasting impression
on me because of its strong symbolism
which spoke to me at the time
so much so that even now I can still remember most of it
yet it took many years later to understand its meaning.

I still remember the main part of the story but no title or author:

"A small party of friends and colleagues
are meeting at a friend's house.
A couple of them have already arrived and are talking.
Their conversation is interrupted by another arrival
and some rather peculiar news:
"There are some curious sightings of rhinoceroses in the city"
It sounds odd and unbelievable but it is soon confirmed
by more friends arriving.

Some strange stampeding noises are heard in the street
and the friends gather near the windows
from where they can now witness the curious phenomenon
for themselves.

The last friend to arrive, highly anxious and agitated
brings even more disturbing news
regarding the current situation:
"Some strange virus is affecting anyone
who steps outside their house into the street
causing them to turn into rhinoceroses and join the herds"

Initially the friends decide to remain in the house
until it was all over but as the hours went by
those who had already been exposed to the virus
on their way there, found it difficult to contain themselves.

They felt an irresistible urge to burst out in the streets
and join the herds, so one after another
despite their initial resolve, now gave up and left the house
while the remaining ones witness their transformation
from the windows.

Finally only those who had arrived early
and had not been affected remained.
As the hours went by they came to realise
with tremendous anguish
that more and more people were being converted
and it looked like there was no hope anymore.
They too were doomed, to either stay and die isolated
in the house or to follow the others.

After a lot of agonising resistance only One remained.
In the end, unable to resist on his own any longer, he gave up
and in despair threw himself into the street joining the herds"

******

How often each one of us, despite our own reasoning,
beliefs or ideals find ourselves eventually having to give in
into society's trampling forces turning ourselves into rhinoceroses
and joining the herds in order to avoid isolation, loneliness,
exclusion or discrimination...



Alter Ego

the hook...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*** Dreams ***
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

{Dream: when approx 9-11 years old}

The Hook

I was alone playing on the veranda.

Suddenly as i looked up i saw a fishing line
with a hook attached to it descending from above
its beginning invisible, lost in the sky.

The Hook stopped at eye level in front of me
and as i stood there looking at it quite perplexed
a voice said:



"You were Chosen"
......................................

When i woke up there was a feeling of euphoria and hope.

For many years i believed it had a mystical significance
and perhaps i was meant to accomplish something great
in and for the world.

Far from it, i have never accomplished anything great
or of any significance ...other than perhaps
recently managing to interpret its meaning....
......................................

The voice that comes from above
is a voice that comes from within.

It's beginning is invisible
as our depths are invisible and unknown

The fishing line and the hook are to catch
and bring to the surface a "fish" or symbolically
"to catch and bring to the surface" something
that 'lives' in the depths and is hidden from view.

The Hook has descended in front of me
and the voice declares that i was chosen.

It has descended, due to an inner decision
to "catch" and bring to the surface
i.e. to 'consciousness' me -
that part of me which is the real me hidden in the depths.

That real self which i was when alone on that verandah
was acknowledged and "chosen"
and thus the feeling of euphoria and hope.

Orion

the worm...

( Dream: when approx 13-14 years old )

The Worm

I am holding a glass filled with clear water.

Inside it, at the bottom of the glass there is a light,
baby pink, small worm trying to come up to the surface.

     

When it comes up i push it back down
to the bottom of the glass with my index finger
and as i do so it starts to cry like a helpless little baby

"Ooaaaa!....ooaaaaa!....ooaaaa!..."

After a few moments it stops crying and starts trying
all over again and the process is repeated several times:
It comes up to the surface and i push it down
it cries and then it tries again and again...
and every time, i keep pushing it back down.
..................

I find the whole thing quite curious...
A helpless little worm that cries like a baby
urged by a blind impulse to come up to the surface
and it tries repeatedly.

There are no feelings of malice, fear or deliberation
on my part as i push it down - just an equally blind impulse
to do so, while from some neutral part of myself
I 'm observing both 'it' and myself impassively.
...................

And the worm came to the surface
and brought consciousness, knowledge and pain.
Knowledge in some instances is not enough to overcome pain
so the worm was pushed back down again.

I can still hear it crying from time to time...

Alter Ego

my father...

(Dream: Two months after he died)

My Father - My Self



He was sitting on a single narrow rectangular plank
his back against a resemblance of some sort of
low, open, unsupported wall.

He was suspended in the air
-surrounded by nothing - supported by nothing.

He looked ragged, desperate, forlorn, grave, despondent

He looked at me with despair and deep pain in his eyes
and said:

" I feel so Lost........ so Lonely.............

Nothing is the way we were told it is........"

--------

I woke up with the most gut wrenching feeling
i have ever experienced throughout my entire life
and his presence and sense of immense pain
so strong and palpable as if he were there
in the room, in the house in the air and everywhere...

...............

For a long time after, i had difficulty accepting
anything else other than this was a real contact...
that he came back to talk to me, as he always used to
and let me know ...

Yet on a parallel level i could see
how this was just a mighty powerful dream.

A clear dream
which revealed the state of shock and pain i was experiencing
as the world had just crumbled around me
and the foundation and solid support
of all that i had been relying upon until then
was suddenly lost, gone in thin air leaving me suspended,
ragged, desperate and steeped in scorching pain.

It was like My Father -a symbol of My Self- was telling me;

''Your World is suddenly shuttered
-nothing is the way they told us it is!
All you had ever believed in, is now letting you down.
The sense of eternity is lost
false securities have crumbled like statues
in a powerful earthquake and all metaphysical theories
and ideals that were once supporting you along the way
now stand meaningless in the enormity of your pain...''



There were not enough sanctuaries
for hiding my unrestrained tears...

Alter Ego

the healer...

( Dream: Mid Feb 08 )

Death the Healer



I was standing on a flat surface or platform
or perhaps the edge of a verandah of an upper floor.

Right below was the sea, rich green, calm and inviting.
Lots of people were in the water swimming and splashing.

I briefly contemplated the idea of diving in it
but although the water was calm, it was rather deep
and i decided that i would not feel comfortable ...
I feared the depths or what might be lurking in there...

Then i went downstairs which was the interior
of a combined sort of factory and institution of some kind
and of which i was in someway part of.

There was a Boss which was or equaled ......God.

There were also two angels; The Light One and the Death One.

The Light One was like standing behind
or was one with a blinding- white light -brilliance.

The Death One was a strong healthy Black Man.
Both had human voices and so did God / or Boss.

There were many who went about working
-possibly factory workers.
Among them there were some sick people -possibly the ones
belonging to the institution aspect of the building.

Death 'called ' those whose time had come
by 'touching' them gently.

And now time had come for some to be 'called' and touched
so God gave Death a signal to go ahead with his task
but warned him not to go anywhere near the Light One.

Death proceeded and touched an old man
who was standing nearby.
The man surrendered immediately with a quiet resignation
but rather puzzled he queried Death:

"Why? ...i am not sick anymore..."
and proceeded to show
how his disease had suddenly cleared up.

Death got distressed and angry that he had to do this
and despite God's order
he walked determinately straight towards the Light One.

There was some commotion that followed
while some tried to stop him from approaching
but the Light One extended his hand and ordered him:

"Stop right there! - Do not proceed!"

Death, reluctantly and still agitated, stopped.

And now it was again time to touch the next person
-a black middle aged woman who was very ill.

He touched her -but unlike the man before her
she resisted and protested:

" Why?... I don't understand! I am now well! "

and as she said so she pulled up her clothes
to reveal her body that was now free of any signs of disease.

Death felt sad for her and embraced her with tears in his eyes
because he could not tell her
that the reason she had been cured
was Only because he had 'touched' her....



***

The upper floor platform overlooking the sea represents
the mental state where i prefer to operate from
and (my ) reluctance or avoidance of immersing myself
in the emotional 'sea' and its potential dangers
that might be lurking under the surface.

The combined factory /institution building
represents myself as a unit
where different functions take place
in the ordinary daily life -or something similar to this.

The Boss/God in the building is obviously
the Central aspect of my personality that directs
and oversees all 'jobs /aspects /functions' done etc.

The angel of Light, if i were to take a guess,
represents the mind and all the rather abstract ideas
that originate there such as consciousness, beliefs, faith,
hope, courage, strength, healing and so on
and which are difficult to describe and more specific
to each individual.

'God ' warned Death not to go anywhere near the Light One,
meaning the central personality does not allow, at this point
changes in the areas represented by the Light One...

The angel of Death, is represented by a Man
common and visible because death is a more familiar experience for most people and has a known face and quality
as most people during some time or other have been touched
by the loss of someone loved or close or known.

Here he represents that function within oneself
which signals or initiates the end of old or ill patterns
of mentality or behaviour.

The 'sick people' that Death touches and die
are aspects of one's self and of self expression
with which a person comes to identify as "me"
after a long time of repetitive reinforcement.
Separation from this part becomes almost near impossible
and complete change pretty much equates
with death of -that- particular part of one's self.

When Death, i.e. change/separation, 'touches' that aspect
of self, any problems associated with that aspect
suddenly cease to exist - like a miraculous cure
and a feeling of freedom or liberation.
................

In reality of course this process is gradual
and takes time and effort.
The dream only shows
some surfacing awareness of change in those patterns.

Orion

interdependence...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*** Relationships ***
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

22 Nov 04

Interdependence

An irrefutable reality is
that most of us depend in many ways
upon other people one time or another.

Yet,
within a greater reality that encompasses this appearance
no person ever, really depends upon another.



The essence of Life divides itself
into myriads of interchanging interdependent expressions...

Orion

gender...

Nov 07

Gender Liberation


What defines also restricts



Ask any Man and any Woman


Orion

confining...

Nov 07

Confining Perimeters



Men and women right from the time of birth
are subjected to stereotypical conditioning
reinforced throughout life by family and society.

Gender conditioning is both direct and intentional
as well as indirect by observation and repetition.

If men and women
learn to consider and conduct themselves
primarily as human beings rather than identifying
with their expected stereotypes of gender or role
they will be able to

* Liberate themselves
from the confining perimeters of gender

* Express themselves
more freely and in more rich and diverse ways
outside the predetermined and defining
modes of behaviour.

* Connect better on a common level with the opposite sex
and generally with other people

* Develop respect and understanding for one another

* Build more deep and straightforward relationships

There is a lot to be worked out in between
but the foundation, connecting link and liberating factor
is the key recognition and expression from the level of:

" I am a human being - You are a human being"

Orion

switching...

Nov 07

Switching Modes



The roles we play in our relationships, such as
son or daughter of our parents
mother/father of our children
husband/wife or lover to our partner
and a number of other outer variations
help us develop, deepen and define
the many aspects of our personalities.

We possess the unique ability
despite any conscious or unconscious effort
to bring forth and isolate these aspects and functions
and respond through them as needed
in different alternating occasions.

Frequently there are accidental conflicts or misunderstandings
that arise when switching from one mode to another
especially when not aware of the switch taking place.

The conflicts and misunderstandings often arise
either inside one's own self or within one's relationships
from the mistaken premise of identification with these roles
either by the individual or by others
as being the totality of one's Self and expression.

One must never forget that each human being
has a multi faceted personality.


Orion

multitude...

Nov 07

Multitude of Selves



Whenever speaking to someone, one must always beware
of a 'multitude of selves'
that often lurk quietly in the dark behind that familiar face.

One can never know which one will respond and how.

One must also be aware with which one within oneself
they are speaking or listening from, receiving and responding.

Orion

choice...

Sep 07

Matter of Choice



There is a difference between being subservient
to other people's wishes, demands or expectations,
due to fear, low self esteem or personal gains of sorts
than ''choosing'' to do so ''willingly and with understanding''
and with a charitable purpose in mind
such as display of affection, helping someone in need
or just to fulfill a wish of theirs.

In the first instance one searches for reasons or excuses
to justify and substantiate their actions to themselves
in order to feel good about them
often interpreting them as "necessary sacrifices"
while in the second instance one feels contented
and thoroughly satisfied, much the way we feel
when we put aside willingly our needs or priorities
for the benefit of a loved one, whether a child, a partner,
a parent or a best friend.

Orion

communication...

Dec 07

Communication



I used to believe that the best way of communication
was the written one.

One has the chance to read carefully
and read again if it need be
and take the time to think, reflect, understand, and evaluate
free from the pressures of the immediacy of the contact
or the need for a quick response
which may cause artificiality in the exchange
or distortion by the state of the listener/contributor 's mind.

Now I know
that the recipient's mind is always a stumbling block
combined by an almost permanently erect
defensive protective barrier
together making an almost impenetrable wall
with only a tiny window with its own tinted glass
allowing any interpretation and processing to go through
often mirroring its own reflection
rather than its own understanding
no matter what medium of communication is chosen.

Alter Ego

disregard...

Feb 05

Common Disregard



Often amazing how people manage to totally disregard or ignore
other people's feelings, their needs, their circumstances
while appearing to acknowledge them with empty empathic words.

Alter Ego


**************

People are so driven by their own needs
desires and unconscious drives and urges
that they are rarely aware how often they trample
upon others in order to achieve them.

Mentor

for you?...

Oct 07

For You or Me?



Looking deep inside...

How much truth does "I Do it for You" really hold
especially when the recipient
is neither interested nor happy?

Orion

**************

"What terrible things we do to those we love"

Frank Herbert
Dune

**************

( A very discomforting revelation is discovering oneself guilty
of committing similar offences often quite oblivious of them )

truth...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*** light and shadows ***
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

June 08

Moments of Truth

How many painful truths
often become disturbingly clear
for just a few fleeting moments



Yet sooner than even the pain has subsided
we choose to close our eyes to them
and carry on as if they never happened.

Alter Ego

discontent...

Nov 07

Lingering Discontent



Observing human beings, one can often than not see
that there is deep misery and a lingering discontent inside
that no chocolate, cigarettes, beer, clothes, sex, travel
or any of the entire earth's other little
or mighty thrills can ever heal.

Yes, it starts sometime back then ...
and so does the consequent unconscious
lifelong ''running away'' from then on.

For a long time there is an open road ahead
as well as myriads of little or big opportunities
to fuel the running and offer distractions
and illusions of hope
that all is straightened, left behind, or forgotten
but eventually one reaches the end of the road
with the disturbing realisation
that there is nowhere to hide
nowhere to escape or run to
and there is no other solution
than to stop, turn back and face it.

Blame will not heal, running away will not heal
avoiding will not heal, little or big thrills, acquisitions
or achievements and recognitions will not ever heal
Not even religion or spirituality will not heal
if sought solely as a refuge away from it.

It will keep welling up at every opportunity in different forms
such as unwarranted anger, unexplained tears
or just as deep dark lingering of ever present misery
that colours everything gray
and stifles - except temporarily - all aspects of life,
hope, expression and happiness.

There is no other way - no other solution
than to stop, turn back and face it.

Face it ... and feel it...and live it ...and re-live it

Feel it and Live it or it will not go away!

It is a pain like dark murky petrol that its fumes
pervade everything ever ready to ignite
in small explosions at a time all throughout life
but Only the " Fire " of persistent ''Living it'' can exhaust it.

"Feeling and Living it" in order to know, heal and move on
is entirely different than for ever ''dwelling in it''
blindly and without any purpose.

The purpose is to know to acknowledge and be liberated.

Yes , an unbearable and very painful endeavour indeed
but with a tremendously liberating force.

Never to travel paths that lead into traps and pain again

Never to chase shadows of the past
or unconsciously create new ones for the future.

Never to chase illusions that did not ever exist in the first place.

Never to project or expect anything from anyone out there
for a need that can only be satisfied from the inside.

Never to feel as victim of any circumstances any longer.

It takes time, takes effort, continual awareness, alertness
and constant introspection but it is worth it
metaphorically speaking, as much as the mortgage
that buys one their Own chosen home.

Alter Ego


Note:

The word 'Never' can be misleading if interpreted as a once off effort.
It is used to give emphasis to a slow yet steady and definite result.
In time it may come to mean true.

illusionary comfort

30 Dec 07

illusionary comfort



Two, among many reasons that prevent people
from seeking happiness and preferring to stick
to their familiar unhappy misery.

One,
If one is unhappy, the world / people
do not expect much from them
thus they do not have to expose themselves
to more painful experiences or unhappiness.

The other,
Knowing and controlling one's own misery
can create a comfortable illusionary barrier
against the possibility of anything additional
striking unexpectedly
'as one is already experiencing their fair share'
and this notion can give one a false sense of security.

Of course what is a 'fair share'
and most importantly...who delivers it?

Alter Ego

shadows...

June 08

Shadows

Now and then
The mind unexpectedly opens a door into a strange place
where desolate aspects of self are lurking in the dark

Shadows of some forgotten past.



Like Hecate in the dark cave of the mind
ghost images spinning imaginary spidery threads
inside deceptive mirrors
of a past that cannot not be revisited
and a future that can never be created...

Alter Ego

wiser...

Dec 07

A wiser mind




Whenever we choose to put our faith in self created
or commonly accepted idols or authorities of the time
and superficial unsustainable beliefs
which can only offer temporary hope and comfort
we are bound to get disillusioned and disappointed
at some stage in the future.

The good news is that only the disappointment is bad
the result is growth, reassessment and a wiser mind.

Orion

liberator...

June 06

The Mighty Liberator

There are times while observing people, including myself
that i often come to see how difficult it is for most
to let go of things that are nothing
but tiresome burdens to the soul.



It is during those times that i hail Death
as The Mighty Liberator of Man,
as the Eternal Rubbish Crusher,
and the Facilitator of the Evolutionary process.


Orion

another leaf...

18 Apr 08

Just another leaf?...

4.45' am...

Still dark

As consciousness descends slowly into the awareness of the body
another day rises with the first thought preceding it
like a swift flight of a bird:

"Another day.........
and again like a blind caterpillar
will be munching on a new old leaf
following a silent deep urge
knowing not its future nor its purpose.

Just another day...just another leaf.... munching....''



I know though this is not it - this is not all.

I know there is something more
I know there is something better.

I Know...

For a few fleeting moments, each time, I do Know!

Orion

hurry...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*** Silver Coins ***
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jan 08

Hurry and Tension

The Scylla and Charybdis

of Western civilisation.



Orion