Nov 05
A Terrible Moment
I had spent the weekend with my grandparents.
I was about 5-6 years old.
Upon return i climbed up the stairs two-at-a-time
run and passed my Mother sitting in her chair
and threw myself straight into my Father's arms.
After the excitement of the first few seconds
as i turned my head over i noticed my Mother
sitting quietly in her chair, looking at me
straight through my eyes, and into my soul.
She looked rather sad and somewhat puzzled.
For a few startled seconds i thought i heard
her thoughts loud and clear in my head
or possibly just read them
in the expression of her face:
"So, am I invisible?
Don't I exist?
Don't I mean anything to you?"
She said Nothing- not a word
and for my life i cannot remember anything
that followed after that very hot moment
absolutely nothing at all.
I remember an uncomfortable confused feeling
a skip of a beat of my heart and a sudden rush of heat
spreading on my face and neck
which made me think i had blushed.
Embarrassed, would have been the word.
No other thought no other memory.
Not until a few years later
when a tremendously regretful thought
suddenly sprang up from that buried past
and tormented me throughout life:
"that being so young and so shocked and embarrassed
at the time and possibly believing she was now
very angry with me, instead of changing the event
and soothing her with a cuddle, i probably froze,
chose denial of any hurt felt or done on either side
and did not proceed to go anywhere near her
.....as if she really did not exist
and as if i really had not noticed anything
that had just happened between us"
and that's why there was absolutely no trace
of memory of anything that followed next.
Since then i have relived that incident in my head
hundreds of times trying to dissect every aspect of it
in order to discover and understand
what exactly happened back then and why.
There were many unfortunate assumptions on both sides
which could have never been talked at the time
due to her quiet non-confrontational nature
and the understandably impressionistic aspect
of my so very young age.
* I thought she did not love me
and she did not want me there
* She thought i loved my father more than i loved her
or perhaps that i did not love her at all
- she never said but i could tell.
Neither She nor I, knew at the time,
that i did not miss her whenever i was away
because, unlike my father,
she was an integral internal part of myself
which was always with me wherever i went.
Unfortunately, both wisdom and insight
in regards to that incident came after her passing
and the opportunity of discussing it
was lost for ever.
Alter Ego
