Jan 05
A child's perspective
Adults...
I remember their faces, their eyes, their words
their expressions.
I could see how they were projecting parts of themselves
and their own expectations on me
even though i knew nothing of psychology
or psychological projections at the time.
I remember at times my eagerness to please
and other times some confused feelings of utter unease
when a projection was rejected outright from within
and the fear or threat of disappointment,
rejection or abandonment
if i did not comply and 'play the part'.
I remember the translucent 'liquidity' of a still unadulterated self
and the often 'ugly feeling' resembling a packed ' bag of vomit'
that followed each time submitting in fear or confusion
even when 'playing the part' brought praise
for a self ...that i was not or wanted to be.
I remember the sadness, the 'gnawing'
and an overwhelming feeling of 'sickness'
spreading and steadily overtaking my soul.
I remember the brief interchange of real and superimposed self
until a total underlying sadness finally took over
like the shadows of darkens
spreading over the fields in the night.
I remember the tears and the pain for some unidentified 'loss'.
The loss of myself - the loss of 'the real Me'.
********
There is a time in the young child's life
when all the past humiliations, and deprivations
accumulate into an inchoate realization:
"There is no hope of being loved for what I am"
Arthur Janov "The Primal Scream"
Orion
