Feb 08
My Father
Unlike my mother who remained a mystery as a real person
throughout almost my entire life and affected me in deep
but rather unconscious ways, my father appeared more or less
like an open book to me.
Equally, the way i was affected by him
seemed more straightforward, open and most of the time
conscious and voluntary on my part
...or so i believed until more recent years.
He was a solid-rock steady character with many confusing
contradictions such as slow steady patience but with
an underlying permanent tension and nervous impatience
-often in a mode of hurry,hurry,hurry without good reason-
or admirable calmness and measured thoughtful expression
interrupted by sudden unexpected volcanic eruptions.
He easily - readily embraced everything and anything new
at any level -yet at other times stubbornly remained fixed
within his own formed ideas, impressions and convictions
and generally was not easily moved
other than "in his own good time".
He set the law and he was the law
both in our family or wherever he was present
and would follow or associate with no one
unless they gained his considerable
yet rare and very fragile, respect.
He loved and appreciated life and all living things
from animals to birds, to plants and all
and from him I have inherited that quality
enhanced by my mother's quiet
yet endless compassion towards all animals
who made our home theirs at different times.
His ready willingness, contagious enthusiasm
and surprisingly nurturing side when it came to them
despite any lack of space or financial limitations
enriched our childhood and furnished both
my brother and myself with many funny, unforgettable
stories to remember and to share and laugh.
I loved him dearly and feared him as much
even though he never laid hands on me
- not as long as i can remember, except once,
when so young that i cannot remember it ever happening-
but this, it seems was enough...
He always talked to me.
He talked to me as an adult to adult
something i liked, appreciated and enjoyed
and made me feel proud both of him and his way towards me
and of myself that i was able to earn such attention
from an early age.
I always found it easy to talk to him about anything
either of interest or concern.
He was open, sincere and patient and there were never
any taboo or "do not step over the line" subjects
especially when in need of advise or explanation.
He encouraged me to always examine and question everything
in any field and any subject -except for his authority.
That was unthinkable to me back then and for many years
and rather like a secret law or understanding between us
which was never expressed in words from either side.
I admired him and everything about him, from his beliefs
to his likes and principles -and more than anyone else
or any other chosen or imposed authority in my life,
and for many years he remained on a pedestal in my eyes.
I still remember when his hand often held mine
even in later years.
It felt strong, steady and reassuring
yet soft, relaxed and soothing
with a warmth that transcended its physical temperature
and a feel that often made me think
it possessed healing qualities.
He was like the Sun in my life...
Alter Ego
